Many of you have heard me recount this story before. Some have heard the whole thing, some have only heard bits and pieces. Well, I have decided to drop the whole thing on you all today. I can't think of anything else to write about and apparently, I'm a tap dancing clown that likes it when people laugh at my expense.
Fair warning: The punch line to this story is pretty friggin gross and probably more detailed than it needs to be. But it is also pretty damn funny. Proceed at your own risk.
I believe it was May of 2003. I had a job starting up in a few weeks (code for I was unemployed and didn't have shit to do). My big gay brother, Big Gay Al (again, he's straight, it's just fun to say) was driving through
I flew to
Son of a bitch. I just drove two hours in the wrong direction. Damn you Tom Waits and your awesome music! I take a little time to swear, laugh at myself and get my bearings. I was in La Grande,
I still had quite a bit of day light and a full tank of gas as I headed northwest through the Tri Cities. The sun started getting low in the left corner of my windshield illuminating the sprinkler pipes from the alfalfa fields such that I could almost make out the single droplets of water as I drove by. A mountain valley with green fields and irrigation pipes in late afternoon sunlight is one of the most serene things to behold, especially when you view it at 90 miles an hour with an open highway ahead of you.
I picked up a hitchhiker outside of
I got to
I ended up driving down the
Now, one of my friends from college had just started grad school at Cal Davis near Sacramento. Her name was Janelle. She is a very nice person who lived across the street from me in
At about eight o'clock the next day, people start making breakfast and getting ready for the day. I had slept (poorly) in the car at a rest stop the night before and I had the most miserable drive of all time ahead of me.
Now let me take a moment and explain a pretty simple concept. If a factory is manufacturing a product and that product is not being consumed, then it needs to go into some kind of warehouse for storage. If the warehouse is overflowing with inventory, than it reasons that some means of liquidation would be necessary, especially if manufacturing of said product is still in process. This concept is a very relevant one for those of us who are male, single and Mormon. That morning, Captain Midnight struck and he struck hard.
If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, allow me to be more graphic. I had one hell of a wet dream. Dude, it was a five squirter. I mean I blew it all over the place. I woke up at about one o'clock that afternoon disoriented, sticky and a half pound lighter. Now I didn't pack for this trip. I’m wearing the same shorts I wore to the airport three days earlier. I gave up on my underwear two days before and I had twelve hours of driving ahead of me. I jumped in the shower with my shorts on, rinsed them off the best I could. I packed up my gear, rubbed the puddle into her sheets and got the hell out of there.
“See ya Janelle, thanks for letting me crash.”
“Don’t you want some breakfast?”
“Nope, gotta get goin'.” (sound of car door slamming, engine starting and tires peeling out of driveway)
To this day, I’m quite sure she thinks I was engaged in some other behavior in her room that morning. I wasn’t. Seriously, I wasn’t. But either way, she will think twice before doing another favor for me again. So Janelle, if you're out there, my deepest apologies.