The Annoying White Rapper Has No Clothes.

It’s been about five years or so since Eminem has had a single playing endlessly on the radio and hasn’t life been a little more soothing? Or at least less irritating? Sure, there have been plenty of other songs that have bugged the hell out of me in that time, and I do like that one Lose Yourself song. But other than that, Eminem’s nasally, self-conscious “controversy” is a welcome absence.

Now if you like Eminem, relax. Continue to like him, I don’t really care. I’m sure there’s tons of music that I like that you wouldn’t. Diff’rent strokes, diff’rent folks. All I’m saying is that I have enjoyed the last five years of not being accosted by his little rat scowl every time I turn on the TV.

The problem with Marshall is pretty simple really; too much hype too little payoff. He was sold as an artist with a vicious wit that called it as it was. And by virtue of his unflinching integrity, he ended up antagonizing many groups of people. He was corrupting youth, he was misogynistic and homophobic bla bla bla. The problem was that none of the above was ever true.

His beats were obnoxious (but I do love Dr Dre) his voice is whiney and even though he could spit the words out really fast, that by itself does not make good music. And as far as the controversy goes, he didn’t say anything that hasn’t already been said a thousand times. “But he talked about killing his wife!” Johnny Cash has been doing that for fifty years. It’s a country music staple and has been since Hank Williams. Blues too. Lead Belly has several songs about killing his cheating wife. The depiction of an action is not the same thing as approving of that action.

“But he would use the ‘f’ word!” Have you never listened to rap? “Not that ‘f’ word, the new one.” F@g? Hey, that is a filthy, hateful word and I don’t ever use it. But again, this is nothing new. That word was regularly thrown every playground, every locker room that I was ever in. I realize that it has increased in its offensiveness over the last 15 years or so, and that’s a good thing. But that doesn’t change the fact that Eminem’s use of it is one of many instances. South Park was dropping that word left and right in 2000. They still do. To be controversial, you must be original. Eminem was neither.

One more thing; the name Eminem is just stupid. I know his name is Marshall Mathers and his initials are M M and there is a candy called M&M’s. I get it. It’s just stupid to name a dangerous, tough rapper after a damn candy bar. “Yo, I’m MC Skittles. Taste the rainbow, beeyatch!” Doesn’t work.

If you have time, here is a link to an episode of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” in which one of the main characters is dating an up an coming white rapper. It is a not so subtle reference to Marshall. They run into a problem when they aren’t quite sure whether or not he’s retarded. It’s pretty crass and vulgar (fair warning) and absolutely hilarious. If you have 22 minutes, I recommend it.