Monday, August 25, 2008
An open letter to Spain’s Olympic Basketball Team . . .
(written Saturday night while watching the US take back its Gold Medal)
Although these remarks are directed to our Iberian friends, it applies equally to the Argentines and the Lithuanians and every other piece of greasy Euro trash that has infected the NBA with their socceresque basketball over the last decade. I know Argentina is in South America, but their Nazi war criminal lineage qualifies them as Euro trash. To them all I declare this: If you make your living by sweating your ass off on national TV, keep your hair short. This is not Middle Earth. You are not one of the Riders of Rohan. Contrary to what you think, the whole long hair, scruffy beard thing does not make you look like a big strong Viking pillaging and raping your way through a village. No, it makes you look like the unwashed asshole of a hobo. Not a good look. For anyone. Ever.
If I was an Eastern European or an Argentine or a Spaniard and I knew I had a genetic predisposition to the appearance of greasiness, I would compensate with a fresh shave and tight haircut at all times. Especially if my hair was going to get sweaty and stringy and flip around hitting people in the face making me look like a really ugly woman. But instead of the sensible, obvious approach of basic hygiene, these people let their filthy manes fly. That or they opt for the little, gay, soccer player rubber band thing to hold in all in place. Dude, why not just get a scrunchy?
See, the thing with the disheveled, half shaven beard and the oily hair is this; no matter how clean you may be in reality, you look like you reek. Just look at this picture of Pau Gasol. Man do I hate Pau Gasol. Filthy, dirty Lakers. But look at this picture long and hard. Now close your eyes and smell. Are you like me? Do you smell a bouquet of rotten cabbage, ball funk and Ax body spray? That is the suggestive power of the moistened half beard at work. Now, Gasol may very well be a sanitary man, but I have no evidence to support such a claim. All I know is what I see and what I fake smell.
Of course there are those that go the other extreme. They go to a feminine extent to take extra good care of their flowing man locks. Take Fabricio Oberto of the San Antonio Spurs. Note the stupid little hair band thing. Damn it, man! You are a professional athlete. You should not be packing a flat iron with you on road games. Is it not enough that your name is Fabricio?
So look fellas. With the long hair, you either end up an unkempt bum or a metro looking homo. It’s a lose / lose scenario. So avoid the dilemma all together and take the Grandpa Simpson approach and get a haircut, you damn hippies.
I would like to make one more thing clear. The short hair principle only applies to white guys. Black guy can grow their hair out as long as they want. The NBA needs more Ben Wallace fro's.
Note: I would like to point out that the two prominent Euros on my team, the Jazz, do not fall prey to the aforementioned vice. Memo and AK certainly have had their share of goofy looking haircuts but they have the common sense and decency to keep it tight.
One more note: Wasn’t it great to hear the NBA on NBC music during the Olympics? I love that intro. God bless you, John Tesh! Also, Michael Jordan is the devil.