Tuesday, August 26, 2008

So Close. So Very Close.

Apparently I am a callused ass. By the way, that is an interesting image. How exactly would an ass get callused? So my buddy sent me this article yesterday how the lead singer of The Barenaked Ladies survived a plane crash. My immediate response wasn't "Glad he's OK." or "Thank goodness the three other people on the plane are alright". Nope, it was "Damn, we were so close to getting rid of that band, forever." This douche walks away from a plane crash and meanwhile Buddy Holly remains dead. There is no justice.

Let me make one thing very clear. I hate The Barenaked Ladies (isn't that a funny name?). Oh man, I hate them. When I hear that stupid Million Dollar song I think to myself, "F*ck you, Canada." We'll take your Shatners and your Akroyds. We'll even take your Alanises (Alanisi?) and your Martin Shorts when he is occasionally funny and not irritating (basically Three Amigos and that one episode of Arrested Development). But take your doughy, pasty nerd rock and blow it out you callused ass. We don't need it, we don't want it.

Now, I don't want to kill the Barenaked Ladies. Nor do I overtly wish that they were dead. But if they were to die, I really wouldn't shed too many tears. Depending on the means of death, I might even giggle. Is that too harsh? Probably.

Of course, what I really want is for them to go the hell away. And if they were to die in plane crash, then they would be memorialized ad naseum. CNN would be playing their crappy music while Larry King interviewed their teary eyed manager. They would release a greatest hits tribute album and the tone deaf fools who made them popular to begin with would put them back on the charts. And worst of all, they would enter the "Rock Star who died in a plane crash" fraternity. They would be mentioned in the same breath as Buddy Holly, Ronny Van Zandt, Otis Redding, Patsy Cline, Richie Valenz, The Big Bopper, Randy Rhodes and John Denver. And though some of those are better musicians than the others, they are all a thousand times better than Bare-friggen-naked Ladies.

So, really it's a good thing this guy was alright. Now, let's all do our part in making this crappy band disappear. Let them never be spoken of again.

Note: I'm not going to put any pictures of this band up for two reasons. They don't deserve my effort in finding them and there is no way I am going to search Google Image for "Barenaked Ladies" at work. I'm dumb, but not that dumb.


Gregg said...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't secretly get a little bummed when I saw he survived on the CNN news ticker. Crap band.

Spencer said...

They're no Nickelback, that's for sure.