Thursday, April 30, 2009

No One Wants To See Your Dog's Anus

This statement is obvious and yet somehow no one ever says it. Time to break the silence.

Look, I'm definitely a dog guy. I always have been. Yesterday, I climbed Grandeur Peak. If your gonna be unemployed and living on the dole, it's nice to be unemployed during springtime in Utah. As I trudged my fat ass up a 2,500 vertical foot climb, there was a couple with a lab about 100 yards behind me. That lab would sprint from them, past me then pick up a stick off the ground, turn around and sprint back to his group, drop the stick and then turn around to do it again. He did this for the entire three and half miles of switchbacks and steep trails to the summit. And throughout my entire hike, I never got tired of watching him triumphantly carry his trophy back to his pack. Dogs have an inherent eagerness that never fails to entertain me.

I almost bought my first house last fall. Considering my current employment situation, it's a really good thing I didn't. But upon almost making the biggest financial commitment of my life, the thing that I found myself thinking about the most wasn't "Now, I gotta buy a fridge." or "I wonder how cheap I pickup a lawnmower on Craig's List." Those were issues on my mind but the number one thing I kept thinking about as I was about to transition into the life of a homeowner was, "Now I can finally buy a dog." That and "closing costs are a thieving crock of bull crap." In many ways, I want a dog more than I want a wife. Feel free to make the obvious joke. (Nothing says funny like buggery!)

Now I don't plan to elaborate on what is already very well trodden ground. If you are a dog lover, you know what I'm talking about. And there's no shortages of canine praising musings out there. If you don't love dogs, well I guess your loneliness has yet to exceed your willingness to pick up poo. And yes, I totally stole that last line from Dimitri Martin. Good for you for catching my plagiarism.

There are many clear advantages of owning a dog over a cat. Happy tail wagging beats creepy purring any day of the week. I'll take an affectionate dog kiss, slobbery as it may be, over a scratchy, gross cat tongue or the way they rub up against your shins. Not to mention the fact that dogs actually like people. Cats just stare at you in silent judgment. I have enough feelings of inferiority from the voices in my head. I don't need some snooty cat strutting around my house thinking it's better than me. But the number one advantage dogs have over cats is the canine propensity toward butthole modesty. Most dogs have a tail that tastefully drapes over their exit ramp. However, no such characteristic exists for cats. This means every time a cat walks away from you, you end up catching a glimpse of the One Eyed Jack. You try not to look. Honestly, it's the last thing on earth you want to see. But it's like a strobe light. Either you intentionally close your eyes, or it catches you. If only for a split second. This is what makes the curly tailed dog so irritating. It negates one of the primarily desirable characteristics of their species.

(I realize, this is the second time I have mentioned cat anuses on my blog. And yes, that fact disturbs me too. I'm not sure what exactly this reveals about me, but it can't be good.)

This of course brings us the title of this entry. I now direct this declaration to the owners of Pugs, Chows, Shar Peis and other dogs with tails that curl up up around their butts. Allow me to respectfully repeat it for you; no one wants to see your dog's anus. No one. Ever. And it's up to you do something about it.

Look guys, the dog's tail is the way it is. For some reason you felt compelled to buy a dog that is genetically predisposed to moon the world. Why you would choose to own a Pug instead of a Beagle or a German Shepherd is beyond me. But some people prefer their dogs to have bulging eyeballs and the inability to breath out of their nose. Whatever blows your hair back, I guess. But it is clear that the dog isn't gonna do anything about their "red eye to the sky" situation. Any animal that gladly licks it's own junk while their owner watches in confusion can't be trusted to employ the decency to hide their rectum from the plain light of day.

This places the burden of hiding the dreaded wrinkled star from the involuntary glance of a reluctant public squarely on the shoulders of you, the dog owner. Now that is a problem that needs a solution. But friend, I would rather light a candle than curse your darkness.

I am currently developing a tasteful and modest "dog butthole cover upper". Basically my prototype consists of a plastic eye patch from an Halloween pirate costume that is connected to the dog's collar. This way when your bug eyed, snorting Pug walks away, you get a glimpse of a cool skull and cross bones instead of the winking eye of death.

It sill has a few kinks to work out. The flapping motion works pretty well but it isn't as smooth as I'd like it to be. It's bad enough to have to pick up a tightly coiled steamer off the neighbors lawn, no matter how many plastic bags are on your hand. You don't want to also have to worry about making sure the "dog butthole cover upper" is poo free. But still, as high maintenance as the DBCU may be, it is still preferred to the alternative of shameless exhibitionism.

So place your orders now. The initial price will be a reasonable $39.99. Currently no national credit cards are accepted. Neither are checks. Just send me an envelope with cash and I'll be sure to get you taken care of. Production won't begin for another few months, but I promise these suckers are going to fly off the shelf so it's wise to plan ahead. Also, if you are interested in investing on the ground floor of what will be the most successful pet accessory in history, you can also feel free to send me a bunch of cash. However much you want. I guess a check made out to "CASH" would also work.

Act now!


Chris M. G said...

I can't help but wonder what type of search terms you had to use to find those pictures and what else came up in your search.

BusterBluth52 said...

Google image search for "pug butt". There were thousands to choose from.

cool_guy said...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in
the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We
are lonely here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love

And God said, I will create a companion for
you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a
companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with
Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named
all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new

And God said, 'I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be areflection
of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a
companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel
came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with
pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps
too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a
companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they
are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to
Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam
and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....

BusterBluth52 said...

Kelly, That's great!

skyeJ said...

This is why I'm more of a cat person.

Elizabeth Flores said...

I wanted to thank you for ones time due to this wonderful read!!
metal dog crate pans midwest