Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sham Wow Guy Gets Beaten Up By Hooker

In all my wildest dreams, I don't think I could imagined a more satisfying headline.

I'm sure you've probably already heard this. It's all over the web and I'm a few days late on this but I don't care. My buddy sent me a link to this article today. Hilarious!

Are you like me? Have you ever been enjoying yourself some quality television after a hard day, maybe some Golden Girls reruns, only to have your peaceful moment shattered by this faux hawked, pointy faced jaggoff bombarding you with demands that you buy his shammy. If you are like me, then in those moments of interrupted peace, you then think to yourself, "I wish someone would beat the hell out of that guy." Well friends, our collective wish has been granted.

By the way, why is he wearing a mic headset? Is he a backup dancer for Madonna? He is speaking in a virtually empty studio. I'm pretty sure that it isn't even plugged in. Why then go with the "I am a massive tool" prop?

Vince Shlomi (that's right, his name is Shlomi) dropped a thousand dollars on a hooker last week. Now I'm going to ignore the travesty that a dick like this even has a thousand dollars of hooker money lying around. For all we know it was his last thousand dollars. Vince takes the hooker to his $750 a night hotel room where he proceeds to work his world famous charm. Alright, now I am pissed. $750 a night? Seriously, who is buying these damn Sham Wows and giving this guy this kind of disposable money?

In the middle of their "business transaction" Vince tried to kiss the hooker. Now, I know nothing about the ins and the outs of purchasing the services of a hooker. Give me another 10 years of celibacy and that may change. But as it stands now, I am speaking from ignorance. But I did once watch HBO's Taxi Cab Confessions, where I learned that hookers never let their Johns kiss them on the mouth. Seems like a bit of an arbitrary rule considering their line of work but I guess rules are rules. Upon this violation (a very relative term in the life of a hooker), Vince's date for the evening then bit down on his tongue, refusing to release it. They then got into a fistfight while his tongue was locked between her teeth. I'm going to give you a second to picture that.

You know how when dogs mate, they get stuck together for like five minutes after the deed? I have no idea why that happens, but it does. I was watching some nature show where two wolves were in that particular position when they decided that they didn't like each other anymore. They then proceeded to fight each other, while they their butts were stuck together. It was hilarious.

Vince and the hooker are a lot like this, but it's even funnier. Imagine Vince pulling back his tongue, only to have his date for the evening bite down harder. They then start wailing on each other at point blank rage while screaming unintelligible, clinched mouthed noises.

"NNNNNNNNN!"

Try this right now, as your reading. Punch and imaginary person who is literally right in front of your face as if either they were biting your tongue or you were biting theirs. It's hard to do. You can't get any extension. No follow through. This is the awkward fighting motion our friends were compelled to use. Yet, look at that mug shot. She beat him up pretty good. For for you, hooker.

Both Vince and the hooker were arrested. Vince later was admitted to the hospital where he had to explain to at least one well respected doctor that his tongue was nearly bitten off when he tried to french kiss a woman whose primary job description involves performing fellatio on truckers.

Karma is real.

That's what you get Vince. That's what you get for cluttering up my TV time with your overly aggressive, extra douchey sales pitch that accosts the airwaves every other minute. You get your tongue bitten off by a hooker with the whole world laughing at you. Pointing and laughing.

Now we just need the bearded Oxyclean guy who constantly shouts for no apparent reason to suffer a similar, humiliating, public injury. "Fistfight with hooker" is taken, so we need something else. He looks like a bear to me. Maybe something involving a glory hole and a mousetrap. That would give him a reason to shout.

Just throwing some ideas out there.

UPDATE: So it's now been a week since Vince's little run in with Toothy McChompers and you know what? I haven't seen his crappy commercial on the air through that entire time. Not for the ShamWow or his stupid Slap Chop thing. It might be that I'm just lucky and have just happened to miss them. But there's a chance that in the wake of this humiliation, they have pulled them all together.

If that is the case I would like to personally thank Toothy McChompers for her public service. Now she just needs to infiltrate Geico and infect their head of advertising with Hepitius C or something.

5 comments:

scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
scottnied said...

I wonder if those towels are as absorbent on running sores? He must wear one of those as a diaper.

Spencer said...

We've said it a hundred times: Get on the radio or a weekly column with a paper. How great would my commute be if I got to listen to that kind of commentary from you on the radio?!

Gregg said...

In sham-wow guys defense, he did say, "you're going to love my nuts" in his slap chop commercial. We heard that and I said, "did he just say what I think he said?", We rewound the TIVO and sure enough, he did. This made my whole family, Terry, Linda and all, laugh for a good 3 minutes.

BusterBluth52 said...

I know exactly what you're talking about gregg. And no one says that without completely intending a reference to their balls.

Vince, you dirty dirty man.