Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Werewolf Fighting Vampires? This is What Women Love? Really?

It has been well documented on this blog that I am in fact single and male. I have neither a wife nor a vagina. As such there is a long list of things that are present in the lives of my married friends that are absent in mine. A quick list would include the following:

  • Matching plates
  • A Tivo full of Grays Anatomy
  • Cute stenciled blocks of wood with decorative straw glue-gunned to it hanging from by front door.
  • A working vacuum
  • Scented candles
  • Scented anything. Except fabric softener. I love fabric softener.

I grew up with two brothers in a very male house. I have since lived with probably about 50 other dudes over the last 10 years or so. Some day, I’ll take the time to actually count my roommates. Nah, that’s probably not worth my time. My point is this; I get guys. I know how we think, I know what we like, and I know why we like the things that we like. These things are pretty basic and obvious. We are not terribly subtle animals. But the other side of this world has always been a bit of a mystery to me.

That’s not to say I’m a complete idiot when it comes to the ladies. I have decent understanding of the farer sex as well. I like to think I’m reasonably in touch with my feminine side. I Tivo two different cooking shows. Earlier this year, I got totally hooked on Veronica Mars, which is a hell of a good show for being a high school drama on the WB. (That clips sets up the first season. Seriously, it's a good show.) Here is a link to one of my earlier posts declaring my affection for unicorns and braiding hair. But every once in a while, there is a cultural phenomenon that baffles me. Ladies, please help out with this one.

What the hell is the deal with Twilight? Look at this trailer for the upcoming movie.

It looks pretty stupid to me. Maybe not stupid, but I would have never thought that every woman age 12-35 in the state of Utah (and the country) would been consumed by this. They are currently anticipating this week’s release of the movie like a shaky drunk on Election Day. Is every Relief Society Enrichment Leader really a forlorn Goth chick deep inside? Is all they really want in life to be rescued by a bloodless, pale vampire that can apparently fly? And since when could vampires fly? He didn't turn into a bat. Why does gravity not apply to the undead? I'm really confused by all of this. If I was told that a romance novel would grab the attention of the collective subconscious of every young female in my immediate vicinity, I would never guess that the storyline would include a family of vampires living in Forks, Washington.

My initial instinct is to mock and deride this absurd storyline and ridicule the fans of this for wallowing in cultural mediocrity. But that would be kind of dick thing to say for a guy that got equally excited about the Star Wars Prequils. Even after I knew that they would suck, I still got up for them. There’s nothing wrong with embracing guilty pleasures. Ladies, enjoy your movie.

So instead of further alienating myself from a demographic that I am in fact very interested in, I figure I am going to take advantage of this anomaly to gain some insight on the female mind. Ladies and gentlemen, today I declare that I will read the first Twilight book. I figure I’ll get some inside information. Like looking at the enemy’s battle plans.

And I wouldn’t put it past myself to get hooked on them. I was equally skeptical of The Da Vinci Code. And after reading it in a weekend, I went out and bought Angels and Demons. I got totally addicted to the first season of Desperate Housewives. As distinguished a taste as I pretend to have, I can be a sucker for a soap opera. But this is pure research. I will attempt to answer the question of why Twilight is all the rage. I of course will then exploit my findings to my benefit.

Let the great experiment begiiiiiin!


Lizzy said...

I am a woman and I love Twilight. I don't love it because of hairy werewolves or because of bloody neck sucking (although regular neck sucking is good). I love it because it's just so romantic. Here is this guy who has been alive for hundreds of years and has never found someone he couldn't refuse. He tries so hard to avoid her and forget her because being with her could very well kill her. But he just can't stay away. He's risking everything to be with her. She is IT for him. It's just a cute love story and I think every woman would love to be that essential and that important to a guy.

And he can't fly. He can run very, very fast. So fast it seems like he's flying.

Lizzy said...

Reading over that, I sound like I'm 12. But really, it's just a cute love story. Different from what is the norm.

Jess said...

I'm a woman and I hate Twilight. Not because of the plot or the characters, but because it is horribly written. I couldn't even finish the first chapter. It's like a 12-year-old monkey sat down and started writing a fantasy where they were a sweet little human who was swept away by a forbidden love who (gasp!) might kill them.

No offense to people who like the books or the movie, but I can't support a writer who probably didn't pass a single English class.

Spencer said...

I use to be a women and think you, Brian, are hot!

pete said...


My wife told me I have to watch the kid this weekend so she can go see the movie. I will probably watch it when it comes out on DVD unless its only romance. As long as there are vampire battles i'm in. Also Brian, I love Veronica Mars...

Spencer said...

My wife and about a billion women she knows are going to the movie during the BYU v Utah game. (Go Utes!) Anyway, each of these women had the audacity to request that their husbands watch the kids during the game so they could go have a 2-hour affair with a vampire. Pretty messed up, Ladies.

(I politely declined. She's getting a sitter.)

BusterBluth52 said...

Spencer - good to see you got a sitter. I;m glad your kids wont be home alone playing with plastic bags and power outlets.

BusterBluth52 said...

This is an email my buddy Matt sent me:

Don't know how to post a blog, but I implore you not to read twilight. Nate and I have both read it and are both stupider because of it. I read it while I was stuck in Irvine, where I had no friends, I was on airplanes at least twice a month, there was no sports to watch. It was so crappy, it still took me 2 months to finish that drivel.

It is a vampire book without suspense or action and a romance novel with out romance