Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ladies, This Needs To End!

This picture was taken on the way to BYU’s football game on Saturday. Note: if you pretend to be texting, you can take pictures with your phone of anyone in public and then mock them on your blog and they’re none the wiser. It means you’re kind of a dick, but they will never know.

This was one of those Provo, Riverwoods, cool moms surrounded by her supercool kids with gnarled, shaggy hair. (The kid is throwing a gang sign with his mom at the mall. I love it.) These women are widespread throughout Utah County. She’s not some schlubby frump who has no sense of fashion. This woman had a definite air of superiority about her. Quite a ballsy thing considering the ridiculous, pink, fake leather boots that she wore buccaneer style over her jeans. I mean holy hell.

If this were an isolated case I probably wouldn’t have noticed or cared. But ladies, the whole obnoxiously ugly boots thing has gone on far too long. I am declaring this for the world to hear: No more stupid furry ugg boots worn with a mini skirt! No more giant, platform hooker boots! Speaking as a shallow, horny man, those things are about as sexy as a pair of drywall stilts. Enough is enough. It ends now!

It feels like you are playing an intricate practical joke on the male gender. When we see them, we are confused. “Do they really think that looks good? Why would they think that that looks good? Should I pretend to think it looks good? Holy crap, she has just tricked me into having an opinion about women’s shoes. Damn it! Of all the things I never want to think about, it’s women’s shoes! Quick! Think about football, steak, Die Hard, boobies. . . Aahhh, that’s better.”

When I was in 3rd grade, there was this weird kid who wore the same gross moon boots and sweat pants to school everyday in the winter. After recess, he would take his moon boots off and then suck out the melted snow from the exposed foam. This kid was weird enough that we all just felt bad for him and no one really made fun of him. To his face, anyway. But his goofy looking boots made him an object of pity. In high school, my buddy’s dad would wear cowboy boots with a Speedo at the beach, just to be as absurd and foolish looking as possible. Embarrassing his kids was always a top priority. I mention this because these are two acceptable reasons for wearing such preposterous footwear. And neither of these reasons applies to Polly Pink Boots.

She isn’t some poor derelict that is wearing the only thing she has. Nor is she going for wacky, cheap laugh. The women that wear these kinds of boots are among the upper crust of women’s fashion. Or at least they aspire to be. These women have enough money and free time to indulge their vanity to an excessive degree. They are readers of Vogue (note the sponsors on the backdrop) and admirers of Carey Bradshaw and Paris Hilton. They all think very highly of themselves. They are calculating in their style and they are convinced that they look fabulous. I guess when you’re so full of your own crap, you end up thinking that everything you do is fabulous.

Here is a link to Nordstrom's "Fall 08 Boot Guide". Son of a bitch. The Jessica Simpson Yana Boot? Really? Really, ladies? Notice how the more asinine the boot, the more they cost. None of them are under 150 bucks. And let me tell you something about conspicuous consumption. No one pays 300 bucks for a pair of functionless boots (I'm quite sure these are not line with Gore Tex), if they don't want to feel superior to everyone else around them.

I hesitate to rant and rave so emphatically about women’s fashion. I like to believe that I don’t give a crap about such things. However, this particular issue is not actually about clothes. It’s about the prevalent and detestable attitude that fuels these kind of fashion statements. I realize that most douchebag hipsters would spit in my eyes for comparing them to these fashion snobs. Hipster’s have their own funny brand of snobbery. But they are very similar. The same principle drives the attitudes reflected in each of their laughable costumes. Two sides of the same coin. And it is this:

“I am so damn cool that I can wear self consciously idiotic looking shoes and I will still be cooler than your dumb ass. And just so you all know exactly how friggin’ cool I am, I will wear what is the equivalent of a strobe light on my feet, so you will all stare in a bewildered awe at my undeniable awesomeness. Suck on that, boring, regular shoe wearing people.”

Yes. We are the fools.

Now it’s possible that I’m way off here. I’m open to the possibility that our featured friend is in fact a Power Ranger that forgot to fully change out of her costume. But to my knowledge, there were no giant rubber monsters terrorizing Utah County that afternoon, so I think it’s safe to rule that out. I would instead suggest that she in no way a superhero, but is instead just really, really vain. But I’m too smart for it, lady. I see through your lies. The emperor has no clothes. Or rather, the empress has stupid looking shoes.


Gregg said...

Actually, I quite liked the Sam Edelman 'Utah' Boot in the Nordstrom catalog. Nothing says Utah like a pair of $194.95 brown leather fringe boots.

Spencer said...

AMEN! Forget the vanity argument, let's get back to the real, shallow men we all are. Women are supposed to be attractive. Why then, do they try so hard to ruin that with those stupid boots?

Anonymous said...

Hmm, maybe I'm in the minority, but I'd just say it depends largely on the footware in question per each individual scenario. I've seen some awfully atrocious boots, but there are others that I think are justifiable. A boot in and of itself isn't hideous... I think also that you have to consider the rest of the outfit. I've seen some women with fine outfits, but ridiculous boots and vice versa. I suppose what I'd ultimately say is that it's stupid to wear shoes that you can't run in at a moment's notice and putting excessive leather fringe on a boot doesn't make you look more rustic improve your credibility with me if we're both in the woods together. Although, if you are wearing ridiculous boots in the woods you might give me an edge as it'll take you and your mop haired kids longer to get away from any large predators.
Also, I like that this post made you look up the Nordstrom's "Fall 08 Boot Guide".

BusterBluth52 said...

spencer: the photo i linked of the mini skirt is great example. crazy hot chick, at least from the back and yet she may as well be wearing clown shoes.

Hiphorrific: I would never say all boots look stupid on girls. just the self consciously idiotic looking ones. the ones that go out of their way to look stupid. And as stupid as i felt looking up the boot guide, i was entertained endlessly by it.