Friday, December 18, 2009

A Little Piece of Wisdom For Luke Wilson

If you're like me, you are slightly amazed at how fat Luke Wilson's face has gotten. Check him out on the At&t commercials that are on every other second now a days.

Now look at him in Bottle Rocket some fifteen years ago. There's an f word or two in there. Fair warning. But it also contains the finest line in any movie on the subject of water sports. And do you remember when Owen Wilson used to be hilarious? And how exactly did an asshole like Bob get such a nice kitchen? Damn it, I love that movie.

Anywho. . .

My point isn't to pile on Luke Wilson for getting a fat face. In fact, I'm all for fat face pride. We should have a parade, damn it. But it's time someone told Luke that long hair (even the slightly shaggy hair that he has in these commercials) makes your face look even fatter than it is. And I figure that someone should be me.

Look Luke, fat faces are something I know a thing or two about. I am a large man. I currently have about forty (read fifty) pounds I could stand to lose. Now, I think I carry it pretty well. Being tall helps. I'm far from being a Newman or a Charlie Weis. That man is the living, breathing definition of the term "pear shaped chode". And even though I probably joke about my own weight too much (it can border on begging for compliments and that just makes everyone feel uncomfortable), I don't think I'm some weight obsessed, bulimic cheerleader. I'm quite apathetic about it, actually.

But the sucky part about the extra weight that I do have, is that ten (read fifteen) of those forty pounds are in my face. Just like it is with you Luke. And that is total bull crap. It's a genetic screw job that has cursed us both. I know lots of people who have bigger guts than I do but still have skinny faces. It really sucks because when your face gets fat, everything changes. If you see an old friend from high school who has put on a few (and everyone who isn't an obnoxious, overachieving asshole has) it only surprises you if the weight shows in their face. Because that's how you identify people. When a person's face changes, they themselves seem to change. And here's the really crappy part. Let's say I were to actually start eating right. You know, eat food that wasn't ordered, prepared, purchased and consumed all while I sat in my car. And let's say I were to actually exercise regularly enough such that I wouldn't sweat uncontrollably while bowling. If I were to do these very achievable, common sense things then it reasons that I would be able to lose much of the extra weight that bothers me. But the shitty thing is that the last tens pounds I would lose, would be those ten pounds on my fat, sweaty head. And those are the only pounds that I actually care about. Again, genetic screw job. Plain and simple.

The good news is, I have and always will have a full head of hair. So suck on that, bald guys.

My point is, I can authoritatively speak when I declare to you, Luke Wilson, this little nugget of truth. Having longer than normal hair makes your fat face look even fatter than it really is. I can't explain the aesthetics of it, but it's an undeniable fact. Now that's not to say that short hair will hide a fat face. Alec Baldwin can trim it as tight as he wants, he still sporting a big fat face. But the shaggy, long hair definitely makes a bad situation worse.

Don't believe me? Look at Russell Crow. Short hair. Long hair. Fat face either way, but the long hair version definitely seems girthier. More jolly. How about Val Kilmer? Short hair. Long hair. Now, he's forty pounds from being Iceman in either one of those pictures. But the short hair version seems more at peace with his reality.(To be fair, Jim Morrison got pretty fat too. Maybe Val is just really committed to that role. Of course, if we was, he'd dead.)

And that's the thing, Luke. There really isn't any wrong with putting on a few undeniable face pounds. Just look at your buddy Vince Vaughn. Check out how ridiculously skinny his face looks in this clip from Swingers. (Again, f words.) Contrast that skinny young fella with every single movie he's done in the last decade. But it works for him. He doesn't make any futile attempts to distract us from the truth. So trim up the hair, Luke. You can make the fat face look work for you.

But you have to own it.

Look man, we all have The Royal Tenenbaums on DVD. We know you used to be a trim faced, handsome devil. But you're not the Bomber anymore. Time to cut that hair. But this time don't do it while listening to Elliott Smith (brutal scene), because you'll just end up slitting your wrists. Again. It's unavoidable really. Beautiful music, but man Elliott Smith is a downer.


Spencer said...

"Do you want to play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything." That has nothing to do with your post, but gosh darn, that is an awesome line.

BusterBluth52 said...

This car has a dent on it.

Gregg said...

On behalf of your balding friends who read thins blog, I'd like to say, "go to hell Brian."

Informant said...

Brian, thanks for the picture of Iceman. As always, you present just the right amount of homoeroticism to keep me coming back for more.

BusterBluth52 said...

That's right! John . . . Mann. I am dangerous.

I know you love that volleyball scene.

kto1s said...

Brian--This post (and let's be honest, all of them) had me laughing out loud. Casey mentioned just the other night how Luke's face was fat and then grabbed his jowls and grumbled something about the Welch genes. He feels your pain, and misery loves company. I think it's a pretty great gene pool, myself...

Thanks for the beauty tips of keeping the locks shorn.

ted said...

I recently saw the preview for the new comedy "Death at a Funeral". The only thing I remember is how huge Luke's face is. It's even bigger than in the AT&T commercials.