"Too Many Dicks On The Dance Floor!"

Conchords rule.

I've never been accused of being bashful. Crassness isn't just an accidental side effect of this blog, but it often seems to be my objective. When compared to most snarky, asshole blogs out there, I think I keep it pretty tame. But I still cross reasonable lines of decency on a fairly regular basis. This post is one of those times. Just a fair warning, before you proceed. I'd also like to preemptively apologize to my mom, who is a regular reader of this blog. This post is in no way a reflection of her failure to raise me right. She did a fine job. It appears that I am what I am regardless of my many positive influences. She's such a nice lady. (Hangs head in shame.)

With that out of the way:

I Redboxed "Watchmen" last night. I figured it was at least worth a buck, based entirely on the trailer that was released a year ago. The one with the cool Smashing Pumpkins song in it. I was right. It was worth about a buck. However, it was not worth two and half hours of my damn life to find out that world peace can only be achieved after a nuclear apocalypse intentionally propagated by really lame Superheroes. Also, how did all the other Watchmen besides Dr Manhattan get their powers? Did they even have powers? Or could they just fight really well while wearing masks?Considering it took two and half hours, the movie didn't really tell the story very well. How is the smartest man on earth also the fastest? What's the connection? Aren't they wasting two powers on one guy? What exactly did The Comedian do? Other than rape and kill people? He didn't even crack jokes. He was just an asshole. And here's the real question I want answered:

WHY IN HOLY HELL IS DR MANHATTAN NAKED?

Why is it that I must subjected to a blue dong wagging in my face? What is the correlation between receiving godlike powers from a nuclear experiment gone bad (that's not a cliche) and deciding to walk around with your blue dick flippin and floppin all over the place? And he wasn't even naked all the time. Sometimes he sported a loin cloth, and sometimes it was the full monty with no apparent explanation as to why. I'm not a prude. I just would like some sort of reason and consistency behind casual displays of schlong.

Not only that, but they didn't throw out one "blue balls" joke the whole movie. Come on! The man's balls are actually blue! There was a scene where he was getting it on with that one chick who didn't seem to have any powers but was a Superhero anyway (I know that doesn't narrow it down) and she walks out in the middle of it. A blue, naked man gets cut off mid bang and neither of them make a blue balls reference? What a waste.

I bring this up because I feel the need to address a disturbing trend in movies over the last two years, or so. The comedic use of penis shots. Granted, there's nothing comedic about Dr Manhattan. That was nudity designed to scream how sophisticated this comic boo. . . I mean, graphic novel adaptation was. It didn't work. But the weener humor slapstick or "slapsdick" (eh?) has reached epidemic levels. It started with "Borat". Since then it has been prominent in the following movies; "Walk Hard", "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", "The Hangover","Superbad"(I'm counting the drawings.), "Observe and Report" (I've never hated a movie more in my life) and I haven't seen "Bruno" yet but I'm sure it has a ding dong or two. Most of those have come out in the last year or so. And those are just the ones off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more.

This new gimmick is something that must end.

This is a trend that is very new. Sure there was a quick shot of a weener in "Fight Club" ten years ago. And "Trainspotting" featured Obi Wan Kenobe's crooked, Scottish Johnson. Other than that, I can't think of another movie I've seen, pre 2007, that featured a wang. I guess "Boogie Nights" had a fake one. "Brokeback Mountain" had exactly zero dick shots. I bet quite a few gay dudes walked out of that movie feeling ripped off. Now, I'm not complaining, here. But if ever there was a movie that would feature male nudity that is organic within the storyline, a love story between two butt stabbing cowboys seems to fit the bill. Hell, "The Full Monty" was an entire movie about dudes flashing their junk and there mercifully wasn't any visible franks and or beans in the whole film.

Now look, I certainly have an appreciation for the juvenile humor that is implicit within surprising displays of cock n balls. This is due to the following principle of comedy: Men think random, naked penises are funny. Women think random, naked penises are gross. And grossing out girls is the first thing boys learn to do. The name itself makes most people giggle. Any name. Go ahead, make a list. I'm not going to bother. But whether it's the technical terms, the childish euphemisms, the gross out names, it doesn't matter. They're all kinda funny. The very site of a package is funny. Hell, I was publicly naked so much back in the day, that if my jimmy committed a bank robbery in 1996, most people I went to High School with would be able to accurately pick it out of an all ding a ling line-up.

Tell me you didn't laugh your head off when you saw this. Why did you laugh? Because surprise dongs are funny. That's why.

The same is not true for women. The use of male nudity in movies is usually comedic (it tries to be, anyway) but it is always non sexual. At least the frontal is non sexual. You'll occationally be subject to some guy butt in a love scene. But female nudity in movies is always sexual. It can still be funny ("Airplane" comes to mind.) but it's fundamentally sexual. Maybe it's my own repressed horniness speaking, but I'd say that's generally true. The reality of male genitalia is hilarious. It looks like a googly eyed crocodile. But female genitalia is a mysterious combination of being absolutely awesome and kinda disgusting. It really is an enigma. A compelling enigma. . . . (pause) . . . . Sorry, lost my train of thought, there. Likewise, names for the vagina are seldom funny. Again, feel free to make a list. They range from being overtly sexual to vulgar and insulting.

Now I'm sure someone out there would love to point out the misogynist undertones of that previous paragraph. Go right ahead, ya dumb bitch. But the fact remains that tallywackers are funny and cooters are not. That's why 90% of streakers are men and 90% of strippers are women. One assaults you with their naked junk. The other teases you with the possibility of it.

Men are inherently aware of this. We cultivate a buddy buddy relationship with our One Eyed Willies early on. We give them funny names and then tell other guys those names. A few examples include John Jr, Han Solo, Optimus Prime, The Fireman, Bruce Banner (which turns into the Incredible Hulk) and my personal favorite, Stanly. I don't know why, but Stanly just works. Guys have a large assortment of dick tricks, that we all independently figure out by about age 15. There's The Batwing, The Chicken Leg, The Wrist Watch,The Clapper, The Cobra, The Sunrise, The Fruit Basket, The Mangina, The Larriot, The Trampoline, The Brain, The Fuzzy Chewing Gum, The Balloon, The Catapult (that one requires a bath tub and an erection), The Smashed Rat, The Snuffalupagous to name a very few. (I don't know why I capitalized every one of those. As far as I know, dick tricks are not proper nouns. But I'm not changing it.) Now before you start harassing me with accusations of homosexuality, let me make clear that this practice is both universal (guys, back me up) and totally non sexual. It is purely an exercise in gross out immaturity.

You think I protest too much?

To illustrate that point, let me venture this guess. Every guy that read that last paragraph laughed out loud at least once. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just flattering myself. But I am sure this much is true. I just forever disgusted the hell out of every single woman who reads this blog. They may have laughed too. But they were far more offended. And no one, absolutely no one, male or female, got aroused. See? There's nothing sexual about it.

I have nothing against shock value (clearly). But with all the male full frontal we've gotten the last few years, it's to the point where it isn't shocking anymore. It's just lazy. In "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", Jason Segal drops a towel while he's getting dumped and cries while naked. The penis just wasn't funny. It got a reaction. But it just wasn't any funnier with it than it would have been without it. I am a big fan of Jason Segal. His characters in Undeclared (hilarious) and Freaks and Geeks (painful and hilarious) were the funniest parts of those two shows. And since he wrote the Sarah Marshall movie, I was rooting for him. I wanted it to be hilarious. But it wasn't. It wasn't even that funny. And the unprovoked dick shot didn't help the cause. In fact it seemed desperate. "Please laugh! Oh please! I'll do anything to make you laugh!"

So Hollywood, it's time to dial it back on the schlong shots. It's played out. Unless it's a scene involving a naked guy tap dancing. Because that's always funny.