Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Misinformed Sanctimony Is Always Funny

Many would apply the term "misinformed sanctimony" to my crappy blog. I wouldn't disagree. But while I'm posting junk off the web, I figured I'd throw this one up on the old blog as well.

It's one thing to be pious with one's outrage with mankind's disregard for the earth (always annoying no matter how accurate you may or may not be). But it's quite another to combine that self righteousness with a hilarious level of stupidity. I laughed very loudly for a long time when I saw this. (Props to Jake for posting it on Facebook.)

It's fun to try to put a face with the voice. I'm picturing an angry, lonely, fat woman wearing stretch pants and a XXXL T shirt with a cat on it . If her life were ever portrayed in film, she would be played by Camryn Manheim. Let's break down her rant. Just for fun.

- "What the heck is in our water supply, what the heck is in our oxygen supply . . . of the metallic oxide salts that create a rainbow effect in a sprinkler?" Damn industrial pollution, infecting our sprinklers with rainbows. Man, lady. You sure know your science. Metallic, oxide salts? She isn't just full of horse shit, she's very specific in her horse shit. She sounds like Calvin's dad explaining the sunset. (Absolute classic!) I would have liked it more if she had actually made up some words in her explanation. "The phosphoraic tanins in the grass have been compromised by the acidoxation of the hydrolium in the atmosphere." And she neglected to state that it is really the work of the nefarious "Gay Agenda", infiltrating the sanctity of our backyards with their perverted symbolism.

- "Not just around our sun and our moon anymore. . ." When in the hell has there ever been a rainbow around a moon? Lady, are you mistaking reality for your Trapper Keeper cover from second grade? I'm not judging you. I think unicorns are really neat.

- "The visible spectrum . . . is rainbows. This cannot be natural." Right now, Isaac Newton is in heaven either shaking his head in disgust or laughing his ass off at the California education system. Apparently our friend here is not familiar with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon record.

- "We all know it wasn't something that happened twenty years ago." As someone who spent his childhood in the 80's (twenty years ago), I can attest that as I slide down my "Crocodile Mile" (way better than Slip N Splash) I indeed noticed refracted light in the water mist and sunlight. I guess pollution has always been around. Damn corporations.

Also, this is my favorite asshole argument technique. To site a universally accepted truth that happens to be complete bull. "We all know that Ralph Machio wasn't in The Karate Kid. It's a universally accepted fact." "Everyone knows that man's brain is bigger than a woman's. It's science." To be able to sound arrogant and dumb as a hell all at once is quite the accomplishment. I'm proud to say, I pull it off regularly here on the old blog.

- "We as a nation have got to ask ourselves, 'what the hell is going on'". Damn you, America! (Shakes fist at sky.) Damn you and your oblivious, stupid citizens who aren't even aware of what is oozing out of our ground! We are ruining the earth and no one cares.

There are few things more hilaritating (Hilarious and irritating. Everyone knows it's a real word, so no need to look it up.) than someone who is insulting in their indignation and at the same time is clearly wrong. (Take your pick.) Let me set up a quick example. A few years ago, I was engaged in a discussion about politics and religion with a coworker. Always a dicey activity. Both are subjects of passion and ones with which most people don't like to compromise. And "coworker conversations" are a little like "in-law conversations". You're not necessarily friends but it's important that you are able to coexist. So no matter how strong the disagreement may be, you really can't afford to burn any bridges.

Anyway, in the course of our conversation, I used the word "stupider". I don't remember the context. My smug friend then smiled, as if he had just put my king into check mate. "You know, 'stupider' isn't even a word. It's 'more stupid'. Actually, the fact that you used the term 'stupider' in an effort to display your own intelligence is the definition of irony." He then proudly walked off with a shit eating grin on his face.

Let me set this straight for any snotty English majors out there with some need to validate their degree. "Stupider" is absolutely a correct word. One that is completely acceptable to use in any context. It's one thing to be uninformed. It's something different all together to be misinformed.

Certainly such pompous, pseudo intellectualism applies to our fat friend who is wearing my imaginary cat T shirt.

Nothing is stupider than that.

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