In N Out Is Incredibly Average

When you take it upon yourself to sporadically document your own random thoughts for the world to enjoy, it can be a little unsettling to go back reread your creation. I have gone back and reread a number of my entries from the last few months and I'm a little troubled. Now, I don't regret a single entry, nor am I embarrassed by their content. I am, however, a little unsettled by the subject matter.

After about a hundred entries or so, let me sum it all up for you; Classic Rock is good, Coen Brother movies are good, Sarah Jessica Parker is ugly, the Lakers are evil, 31 year old celibate Mormons are horny and all hipsters need go to hell and die. That's pretty much the jist of my self indulgent opus. Notice how I have yet to elaborate on literature (Twilight excluded) or Art or Science. Instead I have chosen to wallow in the cultural mediocrity that I somehow find satisfying. Or at least convenient and comfortable. And I'm not apologizing for it.

So let me continue on with my celebration of pudgy consumerism by comparing a fast food chain to a TV show. Brilliant.

So a week ago a bunch of friends and I were driving home from our Vegas New Year's celebration. Nothing says "Happy New Years" quite like standing in street vomit outside of a fake Eiffel Tower. By the way, The Belagio can kiss my ball sack. What the hell? You can't turn on your fountain at New Year? Seriously, why the hell don't they just have the fountain running all the time? Making me wait around for a half hour for the water show and then nothing! Nothing at all! I want to see dancing, shooting water choreographed to smooth rhythms of Lionel Ritchie, damn it! I don't think I'm asking for too much.

I'm sure Vegas is a lot more fun you get loaded up drunk and bang a hooker, but we abstained. We were the vegetarians at the Bar B Que. Instead we got hugs from random drunk guys by doing the frat boy yell. You know the one. "YEEEAAHHH! WOOOOOOOO!!" It's like a duck call. Shout it out and backward baseball hat wearing, soul patch having sweet bro's just flock and embrace you. I liked it. But I'm the needy type.

Like every New Year's, it was fun, but underwhelming. But it was better than going to some lame ass house party in Salt Lake and watching Ryan Seacrest recap this year's cultural landmarks. I'll take my street vomit, thank you very much.

Anyway, we pulled over in St George on the way home to gas up and thought we would stop by the new In N Out for lunch. (seven paragraphs in, I'm finally getting around to the title) Before we got there, we decided on some Japanese food instead. After eating, we drove by the In N Out to get back on the freeway.

Sweet merciful crap!

There was a line of at least thirty cars wrapped around that building. Look, I get that this is the first franchise in Utah and generally, we Utahns aspire to be as cool as Californians. And we only really know how to express our coolness by consuming the same crap Californians consume. But folks, can we get a grip? (Word's spell check doesn't recognize "Utahn" as a word but it does recognize "Californian". Am I a little thin skinned to be pissed off by that?)

It's a good burger but it isn't crack. In fact I can think of several burgers that are better than In N Out. Del Taco for example. That's right. I said it. The bottom feeder of fast food chains beats the mighty In N Out at their signature menu item. And by "signature" I mean one of the three things they bother to sell. They're too cool to sell anything else. Burgers, fries, shakes. You want something else? Then, f*ck off!

But average burgers isn't where it ends. Their shakes suck and their fries are kinda cardboard like. McDonalds has better fries. McDonalds! The living breathing incarnation of low quality food beats the hell out of In N Out in the most important of fast food staples. I know, In N Out makes them from fresh potatoes. Who gives a crap? Since when was the quality of a potato decided by it's freshness? In fact the potato's ability to last forever and still taste good is the whole idea behind the potato. Without that defining characteristic, it is entirely possible that Ireland and Idaho would cease to exist. They would both just disappear. Of course that isn't true. Take away the potato and Ireland still has freshly scented soap. And Idaho still has meth. I kid! Idaho is a lovely place.

I would compare In N Out to The Sopranos (as promised). Both are very good but both suffered from their ridiculous level of hype. I like the Sopranos. But it isn't any more compelling than The Wire or Deadwood or Dexter or Six Feet Under. In fact, I like every one of those shows more than the stupid Sopranos. Likewise, I'd take an Apollo Pastrami Burger over a Double Double any day. And Five Guys kicks the crap out of In N Out.

So there you go. Another entry in which I pay way too much attention on something that doesn't really matter. Enjoy!