Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Frank Caliendo Sucks and So Do The Red Sox (at least tonight)

Of the many thousands of comics that have done a Jack Nicholson impression, Frank Caliendo just might be the worst. And the fattest.

Fair warning. I'm pretty pissed off right now. I’m sitting here watching my beloved Red Sox totally puss out against the damn Devil Rays. I know they dropped the Devil part and are now just"The Rays", but screw 'em. I still call Joey Romney Joey, even though he became Joe sometime around 7th grade. You can’t just change your name and expect everyone to obey.

Damn it, Wakefield is getting slammed.

I can get a little pissy when the teams I love play like crap. My buddy Gregg woud have you believe that the remote control to his TV mysteriously flew out of my hand and smashed into the wall when the Jazz lost by a buzzer-beater to the Mavericks back in 02. Of course Gregg is a dirty liar and cannot be trusted. I would never overreact in such a childish . . . DAMN IT! Aybar just it a two run shot off Wake. 5-0 in the third inning. Wakefield has to be done.

When I get pissy, things that would usually just irritate me infuriate me. For example, at this moment, nothing would make me happier than to punch Frank Caliendo is his fat, unfunny, talentless face. There’s nothing wrong with doing crappy, clich├ęd impressions of celebrities that other comics have been doing for twenty years. But when it’s the only thing you do, I would expect you to be at least competent. But he isn't even that. And Frank Caliendo must now bare the wrath of my misplaced anger. Damn Red Sox.

So last year, the MLB playoffs began its first year being broadcast on TBS. For the most part, I like it. I love Ernie Johnson from the NBA on TNT. Cal Ripken and Dennis Eckersley provide excellent commentary. I always feel like I learn something. And the best part is, that I don’t have to listen to Tim McCarver’s senile babbling, at least until Fox takes over the World Series. Seriously, someone shoot Tim McCarver. Please.

But the sucky thing about the MLB playoffs on TBS other than watching the Red Sox get their asses ripped and bloodied by the f*cking Devil Rays are these damn adds for Frank TV. TBS knows this is the only time a large number of people actually watch their station, so they endlessly pimp out their crappy original programs.

I will give him this much. Frank Caliendo does do a funny John Madden (who is fat). He’s the only one to do it and he nails it pretty well. But that’s where it ends. Look, if you are a fat guy, you are limited in the number of impressions that you can do. A fat guy can’t do impressions of a non fat guy. Skinny guys can do fat guys. But it doesn’t work the other way around. It may not be fair, but it is reality.

George W. Bush is a lot of things. But he is not a fat guy. He’s incompetent, stupid, bumbling, inarticulate, but in know way is he a giant, fat faced slob. So no matter how good the voice is and the facial expressions are, the fatness cancels it all out.

But let’s forget the fat thing for a second. Let’s imagine Frank was a Mystique style changeling that could actually take the form of these celebrities. His impressions still suck. Look at this Seinfeld bit.

I guess the idea of the show is that Frank is such a chameleon, he can play all the rolls. The problem is that the only character he does half way decently is Newman, who happens to be a big fat guy. If you’re going to do a sketch comedy show, just get other more talented people to play the others parts. That is a terrible George and let’s not even mention Elaine (was that Camryn Manheim?). Hell, Jimmy Fallon does a better Seinfeld than that. And when Jimmie Fallon is kicking your ass at anything, you suck floppy donkey balls.

Holy shit. Manny Delcarmen has given up five runs in the sixth inning. To the damn Devil Rays? I don't care that they led the AL all season. They are still the retarded little brother in the AL East. Son of a bitch.

Bush, Clinton, McCain, Nicholson, Dr Phil, Robin Williams, Shatner, DeNiro, Pacino. There are tons of comics who do better impressions of every one of these celebrities than Frank.

Papi just hit a triple and Yuke hit him home. We’re down 11-2. The Red Sox were down 3-1 to the Indians last year in the ALCS. And we are playing the damn Devil Rays, so there is still hope. But I’m still too pissy to be able to abide one more single Frank TV ad.

Nope, just had another one. Al Pacino looks and sounds nothing like that. Nothing at all. Gregg, I’m coming over to your house to break your remote again.

UPDATE: The final score was 13-4. The season now rests on Dice K's arm on Thursday's game 5. Seriously. The Devil Rays?

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