Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Short Message To The Fat Guy Sitting On The Toilet In The Chevron Bathroom.

Listen up dude. I have zero interest in seeing you sitting on the can with your oversized Dockers around your ankles. None. Even though your XXXL golf shirt that was painted onto your not so jolly belly mercifully hid that which should forever be kept a mystery. (I'm talking about your middle aged, fat guy junk, in case that wasn't clear.). I don't swing that way. And I can't imagine that there is a single person on this vastly populated and deeply perverted planet that does. That makes zero people out of six and a half billion that want to witness what mine eyes have seen.

Here's the thing. You may have been the one whose privacy was violated, but I am the victim in this scenario. When I open the door to a public bathroom I have no way of knowing if it's a single toilet situation or a room with multiple stalls. It is you, being the one on the other side of the door, having a perfect knowledge of the layout of the John that is obligated to take the proper precaution, for your sake and more importantly mine. If the door is unlocked, any breech is entirely your fault.

See, this is the point I want make with you, fat guy on the toilet in the Chevron bathroom. It may be an unpleasant experience being interrupted while sitting on the can, but it is far worse being the one doing the interrupting. Trust me on this one. It's not even close. I was suddenly and innocently violated. So why would I be expected to apologize? How are you somehow indignant when you come storming out of the John? (Which you did quite quickly, prompting me to question your clean up thoroughness.) I owe you no apology whatsoever. It is you sir, that has violated me in the most egregious way imaginable.

So take some common sense precaution, fat guy on the toilet in the Chevron. If you're going to be dropping your pants and growling one out when a busy gas station full of patrons will be going about their business on the other side of a door with a working lock, then lock the thing.

Thank you.


Nieder said...

Make that 6,499,999,999 you lucky judgmental ass.

Chris M. G said...

That reminds me of a time a guy I know (yes, the first guy you think it might be when you hear this story) walked into a quasi-single person public bathroom. It had a toilet and a urinal, but there were no stalls or any type of separation between the two, just the john and a urinal next to it on the wall. There was some guy taking a leak in there who didn't lock the door and my friend walks in to drop a deuce. Without batting an eyelash he sits on the can about three feet away from the guy who is using the urinal and starts doing his business. In that case I'm pretty sure it was the guy who didn't lock the door who felt violated.

BusterBluth52 said...

Steve, I didn't mean to overlook your wife. I think it's beautiful that she loves you anyway.

Glause. Although he didn't lock the door, he was the one who unwittingly saw what he did not want to see. It is always worse to watch than be watched.

The man in question doesn't happen to rhyme with Mex Lactrik does it? I'm just relieved he didn't pee all over the sink and the towels in this particular story. But the guy does make me smile.