Sunday, October 25, 2009

A Nice Monday Morning Diversion


Odds are good you're checking this blog at work because you just don't feel like responding to your email inbox that you successfully avoided all weekend. Or you just don't feel like returning that one voicemail. I hear ya. Honestly, I don't know how people ground through an 8 hour work day in the pre internet dark ages. Without espn.com, I can't get through lunch. And I don't even have a job right now.

So I thought I would contribute this little gem to the cause of killing time. Perhaps you're already familiar with this website. I'm really not on the edge of online trends, so this could be old news. But I certainly entertained myself for an hour or two sifting through this baby.

The website is called awkwardfamilyphotos.com. Pretty self explanatory site, really. Just check out that group of badasses on the top of the page teasing us with the seductive and symmetric back pocket pose. Yeah, they may be a nice family but that doesn't mean they can't be sassy. You'll note the blue and white vertically striped Gerbeaus on Nike kid in the middle. I didn't have a pair of those things particular pants back in '91, but I sure wanted them. How much do you want to bet they were listening to the Saturday's Warrior Soundtrack as they drove to the Olen Mills Studio in The University Mall? As sure as the Nike kid has a tag on his crotch, they were. In fact that is a fun game to play. Sift through this site and guess which families are Mormon. Unless my radar is off (and it isn't) there are quite a few.

Though I gotta say was relieved when I first saw this site. None of my direct family is featured. I can think of a couple of extended Westenskow family photos circa 1983 that would definitely qualify. And just about every back to school picture of me featuring my immaculately combed hair (the secret is moose). As well as every elementary / junior high school photo. And the Thanksgiving line up of the cousins. Yeah, this site hits pretty close to home. But in the absence of actual self esteem, it's nice to be able to point your finger and scoff at people only slightly more derelict than yourself.

Here are a few highlights:

This poor kid. I bet his name is Ralph. And his dad regularly yells at him in public. But man I love that sweet half dissolve, double photo technique. I need to get married just so I can have some classy wedding photos with my spooky profile floating in the middle of my own head. In fact, I think I'm going to have a profile of Ralph here floating in the middle of my head. Like my buddy here, I proudly played the clarinet in 5th and 6th grade. I wanted to play the saxophone but my folks craftily convinced me to go with the old licorice stick and then move up to the saxophone. I'm pretty sure the clarinet was much cheaper to rent. But I was a friggen prodigy. I could have been the next . . . . (thinking of any clarinet player in history) . . . . . . guy who played on "When I'm Sixty-Four".


"I'm not gay! See?! I have a wife and kid! I just like to work out. A lot. It was a sunny day, figured I'd pop the top off and blast my nips. No big deal. And yes I naturally don't grow hair on my nipples. So what? Nothing wrong with a hairless man nipple every now and again. It can be a beautiful thing. But seriously, I'm not gay."

Shit!

I can't confirm this one, but this is a possible Mormon family. Maybe. Nothing says "families are forever" like a big old pile of denim. Every family has done the "denim shirt photo shoot". In the Westenskow version, I'm doing a Rico Swave squat in front of everyone. Pretty sure you can see two well defined balls in it. I see these particular folks opted for the pig pile over the human pyramid. Good choice either way.

Somehow the nebula background seems to fit. Look at that poor woman. Her spirit is broken. She's been a single mom for a long time and she's just worn out. Her kids are a couple of shits. She gets a weekly call from the Junior High principal of Nosferatu in the bottom right corner, informing her of the latest fire he set in shop class. When she confronts him about, he just tells her to f*ck off. And instead of kicking out the dirtbags that sleep with her daughter in her own house, she just quietly cries in her room. But today they're getting their picture taken. She's using that coupon for a family photo she cut out of the Pennysaver no matter how black her son's lipstick is. "Damn it, we are going to be a happy family for one afternoon! Is that too much to ask?!"


This guy's got it all figured out. I would guess this baby was taken about 1988. Which means by now this kid is either a dotcom millionaire who is broke all over again or a registered sex offender. Or both.

These folks right here are the reason Glen Beck is as successful as he is. God bless America.

There's a lot of ways you could go with this one, but I'm gonna choose to focus on the dad's glasses. You like the splits kid? Nope, I'm sticking with Sensei of this dojo. The damn paterfamilias. Why? Because perma tinted glasses and a mustache always demand respect. It turns out this man was the real life inspiration for John Kreese. "OUT OF COMMISSION!"

If you look in the right corner, you will see that these are indeed genuine Glamor Shots. Not that fake crap. Nothing but the finest for this girls' day at the mall. Filtered lens. Denim Jacket theme. Matching poses. Denim looking backdrop. What looks to be a ten year old girl in full make up. Classy top to bottom. Now let's go get an Orange Julius.


The old Mexican Standoff. Except in this one, everybody wins. Also, I would be interested in seeing any concrete data on the mustache to mullet ratio. There are plenty of mulletless mustaches out there. But if a guy is sporting the old Kentucky Waterfall, odds are good he has a Magnum to match. And really why wouldn't you?

See the touchy feely kid on the top right? I had those exact same glasses from 1st to 5th grade. The thing is, it wasn't like I made one bad decision in first grade and got stuck with them. I broke those things all the time. Which meant I kept buying more of the exact glasses frames. That also means that in 5th grade, I wore those sweet brown framed classes while playing the clarinet. Like I said, there are no shortage of Westenskow family photos that would be a hit on this site. Also, what's up with the angry kid on the left? He doesn't look like the others. Is he a bastard brother who has yet to earn his pink and black sweater not to mention his mother's love? By the way, I like how one of the legitimate kids (the nonbastards) is wearing a pink shirt to compliment his sweater and the other is wearing a teal shirt. Excellence is found in the details. Although it's possible the angry bastard child is of no relation at all. Perhaps it's an option the studio offers. For an extra 3.99 you can have an pissed off stranger pose with your family. Either way, feather haired glasses guy accepts him. We brown framed glasses wearers are a compassionate bunch.

So there you go. A quick starter but by no means the best of what this website has to offer. I totally ripped this whole post off from awkwardfamilyphotos.com, so please visit them. You'll find yourself laughing because it isn't your family on there. And crying because it could be.

7 comments:

Heath said...

On the punk rocker kid photo you call the one in the lower right hand corner "he". After studying this photo for the better part of an hour, I'm going to say it's not a "he", but s she. There is the slightest hint of a breast, and her makeup is just too perfect to be a dude.

The Blog's Bollocks said...

thanks Brian. if you havent seen it check out www.peopleofwalmart.com.

mrsfussypants said...

The best start to a Monday ever. I knew the angry stranger picture was gonna be good, but I had no idea how awesome the rest would be. I especially love that the only word to describe the eeyore and pooh themed picture was, "Shit!"because yeah...what else can you say?!

Informant said...

My secretary caught me reading this post and wondered why I was crying. I first told her to shut the hell up and type something (one benefit of having a secretary to boss around) and then told her my tears were tears of joy.

I suggest you scan some Westenskow pictures and post them. I'm thinking Feeling Fine in '89 would be appropriate.

Thanks for making my day a little more tolerable, Brian.

Earth Sign Mama said...

Hey, we took the biker picture a couple of times!! We just didn't accessorize with firearms.

BusterBluth52 said...

Heath, i too have studied that photo and am also perplexed. Either way, girl or boy, that thing has set more than one fires in shop class.

Kris, I almost went with that one. I think I got the walmart link from your facebook. Endless entertainment.

Reyna, i originally wrote a big long thing about how eeyore is the only suicidal cartoon and how disney should just give him the courage to end it all because really what does he have to live for? his tail falls off, his shack falls apart no one remembers his birthday. just end it. I then postulated on which type of suicide would be most humorous. I concluded that a dead eeyore lifelessly dangling from a noose in pooh bear's honey tree edged out pills scattered on the floor of rabbit's hutch. or hole. or whatever pooh got his butt stuck in. Funny and horrifying. But instead i went with "shit", instead. I stand by my decision.

John, if the world couldn't copy and paste those photos from my blog, I would definitely share some extended family shots. But there's a difference between charming self deprecation and volunteering your family to be a viral sensation. And believe me, that's what it would be. Also, I wish I could have included those pictures of Jared and Amber on the blue screened firey waterfall. Those babies were sweet.

JK, i think a four year peter would have looked good holding a sub machine gun on the back of a Harley. perhaps you can re stage it.

cool_guy said...

I have new inspiration for the next family photo!!

Brian, your cousins will blame you for this, but it will be worth it, trust me..